Digital Smoking
Instructions: Place tongue firmly in cheek and activate sense of humour. Failure to do so may result in your tittle-tattling on Facebook, causing defamation of my character and exposing yourself as a soulless dimwit, someone right to feel paranoid as everyone really IS talking about you behind your back! If you are unable to read fast, then please read slowly.
You have been warned. Now read on:
Well, it’s finally happened. I'm officially an E-Cig user now. I'm 'Vaping' baby! I can’t believe that proper fags (as we Brits lovingly refer to them) are now called “Analogue” cigarettes and are now referred to only in hushed tones, the past tense and always in a derogatory manner. Those dirty, stinky, chemical laden sticks of death that....blah blah, blah. Seriously though. Yep, the digital revolution has now come to the wheezing, coughing and complaining you can no longer masturbate while doing a headstand, arena. What’s more, unlike those deadly balls on a string (Clackers? Ker-Knockers?) you used to attempt to smash together, whilst simultaneously breaking your wrist and wristwatch, and with little in common with the kiddie's “Home Meth Lab” kit, I think they’re here to stay. I've had mine for about 5 days now, after the landlady decided (on my behalf) that the time was right for me to live a healthier lifestyle.
Not being a master of reading between the lines, I whipped out my handy "Little pocket book of Landlady speak" and saw the translation of "Christmas is just around the corner and I want more money from you. Besides, it was you that left the back door unlocked and got us burgled, this time last year! That is true to some extent, as my sole contribution to home security used to be closing my guitar case, although I really have learned my lesson now. I was hoping for a translation of "Fellatio is now mandatory, exactly 20 minutes after dinner", but as we've managed to avoid that particular line of unpleasantness (and every other form of carnal activity too) for the entire 5 years I've been here, it was never more than comedy fodder and besides, I'd rather have a cup of coffee.
I suppose I ought to have been thankful it wasn't "Dog vomit is now your department after feeding Sabre (my dog) Chilli Con Carne", so it could have been worse, but could it? The ashtrays were abducted by aliens months ago and a blanket ban on smoking within ten meters of the house came into into force, suspiciously I thought, at around the same time. So as I was running short of ideas for where to secrete cigarette ash, and tiring of having to leap up and clean up every time Alison’s car hit the wonky paving slab on the driveway, I was bored with the sneaking around. The“Clunk, Clunk” sound of the car on the drive to me, means turning back into Clark Kent, and to the dog it means run to the door looking like you've not chewed the mail and spewed in the dining room, so you get a meaty treat. When I say meaty treat, I do of course mean an unidentifiable part of a dead horse.
So, with something akin to a look of triumph on her face, Alison came back from shopping on Saturday brandishing two small black boxes. Now, as my landlady is a landlady of very few facial expressions - preferring to keep it to “Angry”,“Very angry”, “Why haven’t you done the dishes while I've been at work for ten hours” and the one that gets the most use “Why oh why didn't I get a boyfriend, instead of an emotionally crippled guitar playing fucktard, for a lodger?” as her full repertoire of expressions - I was surprised to see a smile.
A few weeks ago I'd seen her on her PC looking at digital cigs and every now and then I'd hear her say "Ooh, no" and "I don't like the sound of that" so thinking maybe she had a date or something and was rehearsing the part where "Want to come in for a coffee?" is replaced by "I'd rather put my nipples in an industrial press", I thought I'd offer some help. So, when I asked what was afoot, she said she was looking at buying an electronic cigarette but all the one's she's seen so far had Nicotine in them. My gut reaction to fabricate a dunces hat from tinfoil, gave way to pity and I gently reminded her that it's actually "the nicotine" that we're addicted to, and not the 300-odd chemicals, camel shit, bits of old mattress and God knows what else goes into black market fags. She resumed her search in earnest and I in turn just assumed this cyber window-shopping expedition would bear no fruit. How wrong could I be?
And so, D-day came on Saturday and I was immediately suspicious of these neat little packages. With my subscribing religiously, to the belief that if you don't chug through 60 a day, immediately swallow anything put into your hand in a covert, secret agent style manner (with a swig of alcohol of course) and resolutely ignore the fact that your nefarious activities are outside what you can comfortably afford, financially, morally and spiritually (not to mention the law) you have no place being in the business of Rocking and Rolling. The thought of suddenly being thrust into the world of healthy living was frightening to me and I'd imagine more than just a little bit dangerous to my mental health.
So, the landlady tossed one of the black boxes into my lap and on opening the "E-Health Cigarette" box, I was impressed to see not one, but three different ways to charge the thing up. Good start. You get a USB (handy) charger to put into the laptop (mine lives in there now) a normal plug for a normal socket and a car charger too. What's more, you can combine them into new and exciting permutations, so you make sure there's never a dull moment as you go through the agony of nicotine withdrawal. But to be honest I was quite intrigued by the sight of the little creature nestled in the box. Removing the white part of the cigarette - which I now know to be the battery - I carefully screwed on the filter part, which contains a disposable capsule of nicotine "juice". The action of dragging on it, when you put it to your mouth, activates the heating element, which heats the vapour and produces the 'smoke', All in all it's a pretty freaky experience, as the end of the thing glows red, 'smoke' is blown from your mouth and the things actually does get warm. I can't say it's exactly like a real smoke, but psychologically speaking the things do actually make you think you're smoking. I've noticed myself being careful of the 'lit' end and actually checked it's cool before I put it down, when in reality it was never really lit - such is the effect and the illusion it gives.
I think I could have used slightly stronger cartridges, as I am almost out and as each cartridge is supposed to supply 200 drags, and I had ten, that means I'm smoking too many. Then again, as I'm inhaling nothing more harmful than water vapour, how can it be a bad thing to smoke it a lot, because I'm not technically smoking at all.
Alison stuck it out for a couple of days before buying some analogue tobacco and I crumbled on Tuesday, just so I'd have a little comfort zone while the thing is charging, and that's the rub, the charging time. I could actually do with at least two units, as the battery only lasts for about the duration of a real cigarette, then it requires a charge of around 2 hours. In fairness to the things, I do take big drags on it, so little wonder it soon runs out. The filters themselves do me for about 2 smokes, although as I have said, the strength of them is only medium, so I am going to have to upgrade the strength.
All in all, to say that you aren't inhaling a cornucopia of toxic chemicals, not stinking of smoke and not actually doing yourself any harm, I think it;s a good idea. I reckon as soon as I get the right cartridge strength and learn the trick of refilling the cartridges (much like you would a printer/copier) then I can see myself saving a lot of cash, not to mention some lung tissue. It's good fun too if I'm honest and as you can smoke them in public places, seeing people do a double take at the bar is almost worth the outlay. Available in a range of wacky and unlikely flavours, if the cartridges (carts) come down a little more in price, I can see the end of fags on the horizon.
There are also thousands of You Tube videos with tips, tricks and stupid pricks, all demonstrating how to - and how not to - vape to max effect. Ten quid to set up with cartridges at £4 for a ten pack, or three packs for £10 means the potential saving is worth taking the plunge. How long before we're seeking out black market cartridge sellers?
